purpose

lately, i keep coming back to the question: what gives me purpose? is it personal growth, the praise of others, or the rare moments when i actually feel proud of myself? is it the number of people i know, or the depth of the connections i have? does my sense of self shape how others see me, or is it the other way around? do i feel valued, seen as someone with potential, or am i just hoping for it?

i keep wondering if my purpose should be about what i do for others, or if it should be about my own growth and fulfillment. even if i help people or give them purpose, is that really what gives me purpose? or am i just searching for something to fill the space where meaning should be? sometimes i think about how much of my self-worth is tied to being recognized, and how much is just about being able to look at myself and feel content with who i am becoming.

i've realized that a lot of my drive comes from wanting to be seen as someone with potential, someone who is going somewhere. but the more i chase that, the more i wonder if i'm just running from the fear of being ordinary. is it enough to just be, or do i need to be impressive? i think about the times i've felt most alive—usually not when i'm being praised, but when i'm deeply engaged in something, or when i'm with people who make me feel understood.

i used to think purpose would just appear, but now i see it's something i have to build, one uncomfortable step at a time. the truth is, most of the time, it's a lot of not fully vibing with people, awkward conversations, and rejection. but i'm starting to value these moments—they help me figure out what i want, and who i want to be purposeful with. i'm learning that the quality of my connections matters more than the quantity, and that being vulnerable is the only way to find people who really get me.

i'm still not sure if my purpose is supposed to be about others or just about me. maybe it's both. maybe it changes. i'm learning that it's okay to not have a clear answer. what matters is that i keep asking, keep trying, and keep showing up—even when it's awkward, even when it's hard. i'm starting to see that purpose isn't something you find—it's something you create, slowly, by being honest with yourself and others. it's in the moments you risk being misunderstood, the times you reach out even when you're scared, and the days you choose to keep going, even when you're not sure why.

maybe purpose is about learning to be okay with not knowing, and finding meaning in the process of searching. maybe it's about letting go of the need to be perfect, and just being real. i'm still figuring it out, but for now, i'm grateful for the questions, the connections, and the chance to keep growing.

maybe purpose is just the courage to keep searching.