happiness
ambition has made college lose true happiness
two years into college, and i've become someone i don't recognize. last night at 3 am, surrounded by empty coffee cups and scattered textbooks, i had this moment of clarity that knocked the wind out of me. what the hell am i doing? who am i becoming? i've spent the past two years meticulously constructing my resume, obsessing over internships, and judging everyone—including myself—by a single metric: career potential.
it started innocently enough. my first semester, i was just trying to "get ahead," to "set myself up for success." now i find myself categorizing people within seconds of meeting them. engineering major? respect. art history? what's your backup plan? i've become the human embodiment of linkedin, constantly calculating everyone's professional value while ignoring what makes them... human.
"i've been so busy building a career-worthy life that i forgot to build a life worth living."
i wonder if my friends or classmates think i'm crushing it. from the outside, i'm this put-together, ambitious, cracked sophomore with a five-year plan and his shit figured out. they don't see me staring at the ceiling at night, wondering why success feels so empty. or scrolling through texts from high school friends i never grew close to again because who knows why. or realizing i haven't laughed—really laughed—in months.
last week, my roommate invited me to a concert. my first instinct wasn't "sounds fun" but "who will be there that could be useful for my career?" that's when i knew something was broken in me. i'm 20 years old, and i've already turned my life into a never-ending job interview. the worst part? i'm not even passionate about the career i'm killing myself for. i'm chasing status, not fulfillment.
it hit me hard during winter break. i went home and couldn't connect with anyone. old friends were talking about road trips and relationships and stupid, wonderful memories, while i was mentally drafting cover letters. my parents noticed something was off—asked if i was okay. "just tired from finals," i said. but really, i was tired of myself.
i've become so focused on being impressive that i've forgotten how to be present. i scroll through social media and mentally rank everyone's career trajectories instead of appreciating their joy. i have 1500+ linkedin connections but can't name five people who really know me. i've sacrificed deep connections for shallow networking, genuine interests for resume-building activities.
the most messed up part? i've internalized capitalism so completely that i evaluate my own worth through the lens of productivity. watching a movie feels like wasted time. going for a walk without listening to an educational podcast feels irresponsible. my self-worth has become completely entangled with my perceived market value. no wonder i'm miserable.
i can't even remember the last time i genuinely talked to someone for hours to someone not about internships or classes, but about our families, our fears, our favorite movies from childhood. i don't feel like a real person, more like a walking resume. now i wait for something revolutionary to come to me, most likely the reality is not. still, i know i will be the one to dig myself out of this as i have so many times before. i've noticed i've built this terrible habit of just dropping things and not caring about them when things get hard, and this needs to change. desperately waiting for someone to change me but i think i've realized that person is myself. still, i'm lost and confused. ive slowly lost motivation discipline and commitment to work and becoming someone that is fine with whatever comes to them in life while not giving something their everything. i go in cycles of hyper productivity to extremely low points of doing zero work in a week. i dont think this is me burning out, its just me being lazy. how should i go about fixing this?
being happy scares me. i don't think i deserve happiness, but it's more so the fear of happiness blinding me and inevitably causing more misery to ppl i care abt. tbh im so emotionally detached from everything. isn't there the saying of how being alone means nobody can hurt you and you cannot hurt anyone who cares about you. i don't have some grand solution yet. i'm not suddenly "fixed." small steps. i'm trying to relearn how to value people—including myself—not for what we can achieve, but for who we are. because i'm starting to realize that being the perfect job candidate means nothing if you've lost yourself along the way.
so if you're like me—someone who's been measuring life in linkedin endorsements and forgotten how to just be—maybe we can figure this out together. because i think there's more to these college years, more to life, than just preparing for some hypothetical career. at least, i really hope there is.