june
choosing commitment over comfort
"i've been showing up to life just enough to say i'm there, but never enough to actually be there."
june has been a month of harsh realizations and necessary reckonings. i've come to understand something fundamental about myself: i cannot function without challenges. when i'm not solving problems or pushing against something difficult, i spiral into depression. it's not optional for me—it's essential.
i've realized i can't go through life just showing up, eating, sleeping—i'll get depressed. the human organism needs problem-solving, complex problems, stress, something difficult to overcome. it's through conquering these challenges that i can truly relax. i can't just have happiness all the time; that's not real. i have to experience discomfort to appreciate happiness. instead of dropping problems to avoid discomfort and never truly experiencing joy, i can actually value the things and people in my life by embracing that discomfort.
lately, i've been reflecting on how i sometimes lose sight of my dreams. worse, i don't consistently establish and follow the goals needed to get closer to those dreams. i've been coasting, showing up just enough to say i'm in a space or working towards something, but not giving it my 100%. it's a comfortable lie i've been telling myself.
i've convinced myself that my goals will work out with little bits of effort over time. maybe they will, but i personally feel that it's time to go 100% on something. if it doesn't work out, i need to have the discipline to go back to school and follow the traditional laid-out path. that's the deal i'm making with myself.
i live my life by the code of not following traditional footsteps. but in doing so, i take risks. and taking risks means i need to have a concrete plan. by the next blog post, i will have given my 100% towards something and made the decision whether to pursue it further or return to the laid-out path for a bit. this is my commitment to myself.
because i haven't been giving 100% to anything recently, i find myself surrounded by amazing people yet somehow feeling empty and unworthy inside. months ago, i thought coming back to somewhere full of people i knew and admired would bring me meaning and happiness. now, i don't know if i'll ever be satisfied with enough of anything.
this feeling has culminated from me valuing everything in my life very little for a while now. just like the higher i can get emotionally, the lower i can fall as well. right now, in this moment, i don't know what i'm searching for, how i can ever truly appreciate what i have, or what drives me and gives me meaning.
i've gotten much better at picking myself up from being down, but i still sporadically fall into periods of dissatisfaction and low self-esteem. i don't think it's sadness, but rather unhappiness with where i am given what i have and what i can do. the gap between my potential and my reality feels paralyzing.
while i will continue growing my community of people that inspire me and i enjoy being around, i think what's important for me now is to work on motivating myself. the start to that is honestly pretending to be motivated when i am unmotivated, since that is really what motivation is at its core.
same with bravery—in moments of peril, pretending to be brave is what sparks bravery. so i'm going to start there. fake it until i make it, but with intention and commitment. no more half-measures, no more comfortable lies. it's time to choose commitment over comfort.